Like you, I prefer
Music over silence
Silence over forced conversation
Books over films
Films over parties
To see you now is jarring
Frail, defeated
I know you are frustrated
but you try to hide it
Emily says you are in a better mood
now that I’m here
Are you faking?
It’s hard to tell
You want me to like you
but I always have
Even when you screamed
God Damnit
and kicked the cat
He was fine,
but you felt bad after
I know what it’s like to be ashamed
Sometimes your fuse is short
just like your dad
Sometimes mine is, too
I walk away
before I spark now
but sometimes I run into a cabinet handle
and scream God Damnit
and it’s like you came for a visit
I have a little white trash left in me
Perhaps that’s all of us
educated and sensitive
with a taste for light beer, hard liquor, and hot sauce
No one forgets their roots
You can’t have lice four times
and eat ketchup sandwiches for breakfast
without being humbled
You can’t share a bed and hide in it together
from the screaming in the kitchen
without being molded
I had to unlearn that.
That’s on both of you
I want you to know
I’m not angry anymore
I know how hard it must have been–
to love your children
and to hate your life
It made me cry to see how much
your neighbors and friends love you
You always wanted to belong
I’m sure you never expected it to be in Florida
I’m so happy you found it.
You are complicated like me
When you say “I love you, honey”
you mean it
but then you disappear
within yourself
and I wonder if your spirit
gets tired like mine
Sometimes I think you want to say more
Maybe “I’m sorry”
or “Can we talk about what happened?”
but instead you just stare at me
as I scrub the sink
My last night in town,
I had a dream
You were younger, stronger
You yelled at me about
driving your car
I told you to calm down
You told me I had no right
to talk to you like that
I told you you had no right to talk to me
after all these years
I asked you why you didn’t
You said it’s because you
couldn’t pay your bills
and I was too young to help
In my dreams it’s about money
When I wake, it’s about regrets
mine for not returning your calls
yours for missing big moments
We can’t fix that now
You know me as a child
I know you as Daddy
and I love you
then, now, and forever
even if we never talk about it
If you get better,
we can dance at my wedding
It’s a big moment you won’t miss
It’s a big moment I don’t want you to miss
05-20-22